| so long... |
[Nov. 22nd, 2005|05:41 am] |
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So I am so sorry I havent posted in so long. I have moved, so that has meant new house, job, roomates, meting new people. it has been busy all around so I just wanted to let everyone know I have now started a new journal please friend me and I will then have everyones journal names. thanks girls! |
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| then again |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|09:11 pm] |
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okay after much response and I thank all of you again, I guess I will not go. I guess I shall just have to set up my own account. This was set up for me by my daddy and since he seems to have no use for me I was going to abandon it. As soon as I have my own account i will post it here and let everyone know. Thanks again for the support everyone. |
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| bye |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|11:28 pm] |
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this is probably my last entry. to all who I made firends with thank you. |
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| lost and lonely. |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|02:46 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused... | ] |
I do not have permission to write in my journal right now. I am very sad though. I know that daddy is busy I know that I am still kinda far away. I know that things are hectic, but I feel so extraneous at the moment. Maybe things were too intense maybe I was more into this than he, I am not sure. right now though I feel uncared for and alone. we used to email each other everyday, not now. I used to love to get his voice mails of random messages about his day. it made me feel important and like I was part of his life, and more importantly he wanted me to be a part of his life and keep me involved in some way. I am just feeling kinda cast aside. I wonder if he has met someone else?? I know that this was not an exclusive deal, hmm honestly I am not sure excatly what kind of deal it was persay, but i took it seriously and still do. I just wanna curl up right now next to him and put my head on his chest and go to sleep not by myself. |
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| Happy Birthday Daddy!!! |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|11:59 pm] |
Today is my daddy's birthday and I just want to wish him the best night ever!!! everyone wish him a happy happy birthday!!!!
In the short time you have been my Daddy, You have made me happy and you always seem to know what I need when I need it and I hope that I will continue to be the best little girl ever and make you happy every day. I cannot wait till I am able to be there for you and take care of you. I want to be yours for as long as you want me by your side.
Your loving lil' one.
((X-posted)) |
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| Daddy is happy and so am I |
[Jun. 18th, 2005|12:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  trying to be articulate. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Blood for Blood | ] |
I sent an excerpt of ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) daddys_ltl_grrl's Journal to my daddy yesterday and also added alot of my own feelings and emotions. This in addition to a post I made in a group, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) daddy_girl_love have shown Daddy that I am truly begining to understand this new aspect of my life, and he is pleased with me. I do like it and I want to keep going with it. For the first time is a D/s relationship, I feel very cared for. Not as a possession, everyone likes what they own or they wouldnt own it, but as a person, and a developing person at that. I feel very content and safe when I am with Daddy. I like to listen to him talk, he always has interesting thaughts and perspectives on things and I learn from him.In getting involved in alot of the different communities and reading peoples personal journals, I have really begun to understand why I am happy here. I feel very safe, and accepted. I have alot of very deep personal insecurities about myself. Some are filled by the relationship, like my need to take care of someone and do nice things for them and have boundaries, but the other ones are almost more painful. I have some pretty bad self image issues, and I never feel like Daddy wishes I looked different or wants me to be any other way. This is new for me. I dont feel ugly and self conscious about being naked or my body. That has gone a long way already in a short time to healing some old scars. Daddy listens to me yap about my day and the stupid things I do all day long, and genuinely seems to care about them. I have very few people in my life who genuinely care about what I have to say and what i want to do. He asks me what I want, what I need. It almost made me cry. I can honestly say I do not remeber the last time someone asked me what I wanted or needed. it is such a new concept that half the time I dont even have an answer for him. In general the whole D/lg dynamic mas made me very happy. happier than I have been in any other previous D/s type relationship. it is the first time, that I feel like my needs are equal even if my power position is not, I feel like my top truly cares about me and what is best for me and what will in the long run make him AND i both happy. there is more partnership less outocratic dictatorship. |
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| New Day |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|02:26 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  wanting to talk to HIM | ] |
Okat so I got my email from Turf today that he is okay and understands that hey sometimes we girls just freak. I am taking a risk posting since Daddy hasnt given me any writting assignments, but I am hoping he will be impressed at my initiative. I was thinking today about Turf and i. This recent bout of self evaluation is due to my freak out obviously. We all go through the "is this what I really want?, is this what is best for me?, is this Guy good for me?" ect in even vanilla relationships. But especially in a D/s relationship where the stakes are so much higher. I think it heightens emotions so much. When you make a decision to give another person not only a vote and stake in your actions but a control over them, it makes things more intense. I think perhaps that has been a portion of my problem as well. I generally keep most people at arms length. Even a number of my closest friends, really dont know me half as well as I know them. I have so many distancing techniques, that I am not sure there are more than 3 people still alive who truly know me. I am trying so hard to drop that right now with Turf. I have been trying to be so good, but like I said I clam up when talking. I hate verbal communication. it comes out wrong and conversation rarely has the time to allow you to make sure of exactly what you want to say. Maybe this is purely an insecurity, but I hate not being able to choose my words carefully, and make them mean exactly what I want them to. I also know that I have abandonment issues, I test people, and or just never bother to allow them into a place where they are capable of harming me psychicly/emotionaly/mentaly. I also realize that this is sort of lonely and if I truly want a satisfying relationship with any one, especially with a Dom (like my Daddy), I need to get the fuck over it. I hope he has the patience to deal with a bratty little girl like me, who cries and misbehaves, needs lots of re-assurance, and physical affection, and I have come to see, a good bit of re-training and new training. I am so glad Daddy is a caring man, because I fear I will try his patience to the limits in the next few months until we understand each other better and he teaches me what he likes and expects. |
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| sometimes I get scared of myself. |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|01:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | trying to figure out my brain | ] |
Last night I had an emotional moment, and to make it worse I disapointed Turf. It has been almost 2 years since I have had a Dom. In that time I had realy only two relationships both vanilla. I had forgotten just how emotionaly charged and vulnerable the choice to be submissive to another person is. Daddy was sitting on top of me and we were just being silly, for the most part. I was happy and having fun and I giggled. It is a bad habbit i have that has annoyed others in my past too. But Daddy smacked my face and asked if I thaught he was funny, and if I was laughing at him. I of course said no, then he spit on my face and then wiped it in with his foot. That hurt me somewhere very deep inside, and I am not exactly sure why. Daddy has spit on me before and it bothered me, but not enough to say anything. This was different though. Maybe because it didnt feel like the other times. I realy felt like he was mad, and like he realy didnt like me. then I curled up quietly on the bed while Turf did other things. I was thinking so hard about myself. even if you want to be a submissive, sometimes it can be hard to over come your own upbringing and other societally held and doctrinated things. The drive to be a sub goes against pretty much everything I was raised to believe and think as a woman. It causes alot of inner turmoil sometimes. Daddy came over to the bed and told me to roll over. I just wanted to make him happy with me again. I felt horrible. He spanked me a few times and put a rope around my neck, something else that is hard for me. then he asked me if I knew how old he was going to be I said yes, he said I had to take his birthday spankings and count them. he asked me if I thaught I could do that and I said yes. I got to about 13 or 14 when I messed up the count and had to start over. I felt even worse. it just seemed like I hadnt been able to do anything right up untill that point. Daddy started over and i got through the whole set, and Daddy gave me a minute and I wasnt sure what was going to happen next but then Daddy told me to put my ass up in the air, and my whole body almost screamed in happiness when I heard his zipper going down. Daddy fucked me for a long time. I was so glad he wasnt so mad that he didnt want to touch me or that I hadnt been so awful. After words Daddy wanted me to work in my other journal. I drew a pictures. Daddy looked at them when my time was up and didnt get them at first and got upset again. then i explained them to him and told him I was having alot of trouble with when he had spit on me. He didnt get it since he had done so before and became frustrated that i couldnt articulate myself well to explain, but I just couldnt especially since I am not even sure why this time it bothered me so much. Then after we talked a few wminutes more I got to add spitting and a few other things to my list of limits. Daddy says he doesnt like women who are so submissive they cant express what they want. I do not feel that is my problem, but at the same time, I just get all tongue tied, even in the vanilla world when I have to discuss my feelings and wants and needs outloud. call it oldest child syndrome, being a virgo or just my own inner hang ups, but that is something that has always been very hard for me. Also the last few days, I have been just thinking about my relationship with Turf. I know he likes me and cares about me as his little girl, but I feel insecure as a woman, and not as his sub. Does he like "ME"??? |
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| coloring book |
[Jun. 7th, 2005|02:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | World Cafe Live CD | ] |
This is Turf. lil one's Daddy. we're getting ready to go get lunch at Whole Foods down on South Street. but in the meantime I'm having lil one make her first entry into her hard journal/scrapbook. i gave her some crayons and a few minutes and told her to just draw whatever she wanted. i just warned her that she has 2 more minutes before she's gotta wrap it up and we gotta get going to lunch.
bye,
Turf |
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| another night |
[Jun. 7th, 2005|04:31 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pleased with myself | ] |
okay so now I know what i am supposed to do. so tonight after work I drove down to Philly to see Turf. I had a very long night to aniticipate what I was going to be in for. after Friday and my inability to make the trip down to visit, I had been told I was in trouble. Daddy met me on the front porch and we chatted for while and drank a beer. It was nice and a slightly more extended conversation without me feeling akward at all. that was nice. it was really cool to have someone to share my day with. Then we went out back to the yard, which is really quiet and secluded. We sat down out back and I finished my beer. when i stood up Daddy said he had something for me and pulled out his cock. I was more than happy to oblige. I love his cock. it is the perfect size and shape. I gave him head until he told me to get up and we went inside. In the house we just goofed off and had fun. We wrestled around on the floor and had a small pillow fight, and I got my back cracked wich I needed so much after work. then we went up stairs and listened to records. he has some of my favorites bands on Vinyl which was interesting. then we went into his room... hehe I was pretty happy because so far I hadnt gotten in trouble. I was surprised because I got a present. I got a hello kitty journal to write down things for Turf. Then things got serious. He knew what I wanted/needed. I love being thrown around and manhandled. I got to have a few really good orgasms. then I got flipped over and had his cock put in my ass, which I am not really a big fan of but i didnt think I hadd an opinion on. then i got to be on top. I love that because it makes him happy and I can watch his face and know I am doing a good job. Daddy finished by cumming all over my face and chest and then I got to kiss his cock and thank him for cumming on me. then i got to just lay in his arms. right now I am finishing this entry and I am going to ask for a shower. I am so sweaty and covered in cum, his and mine. Bleh ad then I just want to curl up and sleep next to him. |
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| road trip |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|01:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy and content | ] |
The night seemed to be taking forever. Ashley was being miserable that night from the begining, and my cousin Laura and I were just trying to go and have fun. We were at Finniganns Wake when you called. I was so excited to see you. You wanted to meet at Roosevelts. We finished our drinks and headed over there. when we walked in I already knew Ashley was going to be difficult, but I really hadnt expected her to be quite so rude as she was. We sat and talked, and your friends were all very nice. when it was time to go I asked you if you might want to come on a road trip to Lancaster with me because Ashley was determined she was going to go home. you said ok and I was happy because you wanted to come spend time with me. We drove to west Philly, and stoped at the CVS and walked up to your friends house. the other two stayed in the car.We didnt talk a whole lot on the way there. When we got there they were out front waiting. I felt nervous again because I wasnt sure how to act or deal with the situation. We went upstairs, it was so dark in there that I really couldnt see anyones faces unless I was close to them. you introduced me as your friend, and that set the tone for me. I hadnt expected to be affectionate after that introduction. you sat down on the couch and I sat next to you.you were talking and it didnt seem like you were even paying attention to me until you poked me and stuck out your arm, and I slid my arm in yours. you kept smoking the blunt, I just sat quietly. you guys werw all talking, then you started to rub my thigh and I leaned it into you. it was especially hot because I know that no one else even noticed. to anyone else it just looked like we were sitting there. you weren't even looking at me. then we got up to leave, said our goodbyes and left. on the stairs you started getting playful and grabbing my tits and smacking them. we walked back to the car, you made me walk with my head down and kept grabbing at my tits and talking it was a fun walk. when we got back to the car, your friend Alex was there, parked next to us. we left and went to your place and you went and got your stuff it was quiet ride up to the northeast. You took my hand and put it in your lap. I felt your cock. It was already hard. I loved that they were in the back seat and had no idea what was going on. we dropped off my cousin, and got onto the turn pike it was quiet and I was getting so tired. it waqs like the longest ride ever. We got back here and we climbed into bed and you wanted to have sex. I felt horrible that I couldnt find any condoms. I instantly felt awful. Then You told me you wanted to fuck my face then. I wanted you to cum so badly, to make you feel good. I was so fucking happy when you came, and I liked it that you came on my face and chest. you are amazing after sex, you are so cuddly, you wrapped you arms around me and kissed me and told me goodnight. even asleep, you reach out. once I got up to go to the bathroom and your arm shot out and grabbed me and you asked me where I was going, and you were barely even awake. it is that that makes me like you the most. your genuine kindness and caring. I think you will always treat me in the way I need to be treated. I need that caring after a scene, I need that physicl reassurance, and affection. So far I am a very happy little girl |
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| in the begining.... |
[Jun. 4th, 2005|01:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | begging Daddy "dont be mad" | ] |
When I first came across you on Collarme. I was just looking for friends in Philly who had common interests, mostly within the scene. But you and I had common interests across the boards, not just scene stuff. we began to chat and I liked your sense of humor and sarcastic streak.The day I came to Philly with Ashley and we were going to try to meet up I was excited, but little nervous. I was feeling very insecure about my self as a girl, and as a sub. Would you think I was pretty, would you like me, would I be able to be good, was I ready for that type of interaction again. so I called you and said said that Ashley and Nate were at his house and I could come over, I was in the car. You suggested a walk. so I had to drive around for a few minutes and find a spot. then I started walking. when I saw you, I was impressed you looked cuter than even your pictures. We said hello and you immediately gave me your earphones. That was sexy as hell. it was kind and considerate, it was also almost like being on a leash, which I told you, and it made me laugh. We went to your house and started to talk and I felt so scared. all of those insecurities,swirling and eating away inside my head. as we talked I started to feel calmer. we picked out a movie that you liked and I had never seen all the way though. haha the movie was perfect! campy and funny, and enough BDSM to set a mood, but not a porn. I still apploud the choice. we laughed and talked and I was really enjoying your company and calming down alot. you sat up straighter and put an arm around my shoulder, this felt so good. I felt small and snuggled into your side. I leaned my head all the way into your ribs. I wanted you to know I was happy and so I started to rub my foot on yours. Luckily this seems to make you happy too. we sat all comfortable and cuddly like that for a while. This made me feel so much better. I felt like you were glad I was there, like you liked me being at your side. then I said about being cold and put your hands on my chest. it was an open invitation, but you knew that. you just sat and let me drink my beer and cuddle into your side, and you started playing with my nipples. after a few minutes, you just picked up my beer and set it aside. You started telling me what you wanted me to do. I got so nervous again. it was time to prove myself. you started pulling out things from all kinds of places. I was told to take off my shirt, and you looked at me for a minute and asked me if I was sure, of what I wanted I said yes again. You asked me about a safe word, and when I said yes you said garbonzo. the bratty sarcastic side of me couldnt stop, and I said chick pea and giggled. You slapped me across the face. it hurt but it felt good, because I knew you were serious. you werent going to take my crap and that felt safe too. You started to put clothes pins on my nipples and started to hit them with the riding crop and with the flail. you then tried to get them of with the flail, but they were on there tight. you made me roll over and pull down my pants.then you put the gag ball in my mouth. I was getting completely wet it had been so long since I had been with a Dom, and had been tested by someone. you used wax, the flail, the evil chopsticks, the riding crop and even your hands.whenever you started to tell that it was becoming to much, you would rub my ass or back or shoulder so softly that I wanted you to keep going I wanted to take as much as you wanted, and make you happy and proud. when I just couldnt take it any more and I gave you the safe signal, you stopped and kissed my neck, rolled me over and took off the gag ball and the clothespins. then you kissed me again on the lips and I was so happy you looked happy with me.
well I think maybe I went over my words limit. actually I am sure I did but these are things I really wanted to tell you about. I will post later tonight about the rest of that evening and the next one. |
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